Going off to college and leaving the retail world didn't help. With the semester ending in the middle of the holiday season, my mind usually became consumed with focusing on surviving finals, finishing projects, and writing last minute papers. By the time I get home, there's usually only a small amount of time before Christmas day and I turn into all the people I judge and turn my nose up to. I stress over with finding "perfect gifts" for family and friends, stress about money and what I can and cannot afford for everyone. Christmas day has turned into a day of "thank God this is over" instead of the joyous "Hooray it's Christmas!!" the child in me knew so long ago.
Of course, no one can expect to be in that childlike happiness of Christmas the rest of their lives. The day you find out Santa isn't real is already a tough blow on the joy of Christmas. But I grew up and learned to view Christmas as not a day for toys and gifts, but as a day of celebrating a great moment in my faith. Christmas switched from leaving cookies for Santa to prayers of thanks for the birth of Christ. Unfortunately, I think for a lot of people (at least from what I observed at Steve & Barry's), many were still wrapped up in the joy of gifts. The world became my Grinch. Reality stole my Christmas spirit.
I was hoping this year would be different. Once I returned to school after Thanksgiving I felt happy and in the Christmas spirit. I would walk to and from campus listening to Christmas songs on my Ipod. I brought my mini tree up and put it in my room as decoration. Since I've been jobless since May, and spent most of my money on my trip abroad, I knew that gift giving would be trickier this year. I figured instead of spending a lot of money on gifts, I would spend money on crafts and make everyone something homemade. Knowing I'd probably be able to skip the shopping madness, I really thought this year I would be in the Christmas spirit.
But somehow, despite all my optimism, I am not in the Christmas spirit. I only have myself to blame. As easy as it is to say that it's the rest of the world that has become the Grinch, reality is I've become my own Grinch. I let the holidays get to me. I let the "real world" stand in the way of what I know Christmas is truly about. I get stressed and angry and every year I secretly think to myself "one of these years I'm really going to skip Christmas, and I'm going to love it."
I don't really want to skip Christmas but I hate how it makes me feel. I wish I could enjoy decorating the tree, making cookies, and sending off Christmas cards as I once did. Although it's a little too late now to try to salvage the holiday spirit, there is one glimmer of hope. It's the one thing that really puts me in the Christmas spirit. Not the holiday spirit, but the true Christmas spirit. It's all I have left.
What is it? It's today. Christmas Eve.
I look forward to Christmas Eve now more than Christmas day. In particular I look forward to the night, when I attend the Christmas Eve service at my church. It is the one moment in all of this holiday madness where I feel people actually stop and take the time to remember what this is all about.
The physical size of my church is big, but the size in terms of attendance is quite small. You wouldn't think that if you attended my church, or my guess any church, on Christmas Eve. I used to judge the people that I never saw at my church except on Christmas and Easter. I felt they were fake Christians, only attending the two services they felt were worthy of their time. Boy was I wrong. Now I'm thankful that so many still do care to show up for the Christmas Eve service. Maybe they go reluctantly. Maybe they go only to show off their fancy Christmas dress or clothes. Maybe they do it for so many other reasons other than for God. But does it matter? They're there. They kneel and pray, they sing the hymns. For at least one hour of this holiday they're there for God. It's comforting to know that even though Christmas has turned into some ugly beast that has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus, there are still a lot of people out there who care enough to go to church. It brings me a little bit of hope.
Aside from the people, it's the service that makes me so happy. It is the singing of the hymns. It is the kneeling and the praying. It's listening to the pastor's sermon as he again tries to convince more people to keep coming to church, even though next service it will have some attendance as it's always had. For the one time in all of this holiday madness, it's about God. And I love it.
My favorite part of the service is at the very end. I'm not sure if other protestant churches do this. I'm not sure if it's a Lutheran only thing, or something that we adapted from the Catholic Church. But most Lutheran churches do the lighting of the candles at the very end. Every person has a candle, and as the hymn Silent Night is sung those candles get lit. By the time the song is in the last verse, most of the lights in the church are off and there's nothing but the light of candles and the sounds of Silent Night. It is the most peaceful part of the service. It literally gives me chills. When it comes to Christmas, it is the one single moment I look forward to. I look at my little flame, I sing along to Silent Night. And for that one moment I remember what Christmas is all about.
Silent night, Holy night. Son of God, love's pure light. If you celebrate Christmas I encourage you to remember what Christmas is all about. It's about the birth of Jesus, the Son of God. Who was sent to die for our sins; to make the ultimate sacrifice, because He loved us so. When it's all said and done, it's about love.
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