Every Little Thing

The smell of brewed coffee in the morning. My cat rubbing up against my leg. Driving around Fairfield. Listening to Kiss 107 on the radio. Reading for fun. Writing for fun. Rollerblading. Sleeping til noon, never going to bed before 3. Running up and down hills, soaking up the sun, staring out over a lake and daydreaming the days away.

It's the little things that I'm looking forward to.

I have somewhat big plans for this summer. I plan on writing. A lot. I plan on traveling to New York. A lot. I plan on seeing friends as much as possible. Reds games. Niagara Falls. Maybe a trip to Chicago? And perhaps the biggest plan I've ever had for any summer, is the 6 weeks I'll be studying abroad in Worcester, England.

From what I've heard, there are people going on this trip who cannot wait for it to happen. The minute their last final ends will begin the countdown until they are on that 747 flying over the Atlantic ocean for an experience of a lifetime. There are those who have a list of things to do and see while they are abroad and are dreaming up all the possibilities that can happen.

I am not one of them.

That sounds awfully pessimistic. Let me explain.

I am extremely excited for my trip to England. I have been dreaming of studying abroad for quite a few years now, and the opportunity to take this trip couldn't have come at a better time. I will be participating in an independent study which I am looking forward to. My magazine prof will be working with the Soho theaters in London and I am hoping I might be able to go check that out. And last but not least is my awesomely geeky plan to hunt down all the places where The Police had their first steps as a band. To be honest, half the reason I want to go to England is because of my love for The Police. I am dying to take in this culture that influenced who they were and more importantly their music. Every step they took, I'll be blogging it :)

I leave on June 22 from the Indy airport. And I don't desire for June 22 to get here any earlier than it needs to. I need the month and a half from the time I bid my goodbye to Ball State and greet Great Britain with a big "ello love!" Although I always have a thousand "awesome" plans running through my head and all sorts of adventures I want to take on in life, there's nothing quite like being at home with absolutely nothing awesome going on.

It's called simplicity. And as my bio on the side of this blog says, I crave it.

I am looking forward to the days where I don't check facebook. The days where I open up my mailbox to find no more than 2 e-mails. The days where I'm in new york and my cell phone reception is minimal. Days where I lay out in the sun and listen to music all day long. Days where I run without a stopwatch because I am just in the mood to run and to enjoy it. Days where I can spend hours typing away with no goal in mind other than to get every thought and emotion out of my head and onto a computer screen. Days where I can walk around and take photos for fun and write letters to friends and fall asleep in a floaty in my pool. The days of swinging in a hammock, staring off into a sunset, and watching a fire dwindle away in the night. Days where the birds are my alarm clock and the stars are my night light.

It's about returning to nature. It's also about reconnecting with God.

For calling myself a Christian, I haven't written much, at least in a long while, about God. I miss that. I miss Him. I miss praying like I use to, reading the Bible like I use to, talking to my friends about Him like I use to. I miss turning to Him when something's wrong and thanking Him when things seem to be right. I miss trusting Him. My relationship with God seems to have been replaced with new, different relationships. A relationship with school. A relationship with my future. A relationship with worry, fear, paranoia, and making very bad decisions.

This summer my goal is to change that. To change my relationship with God in hopes that it will change me. Instead of focusing on future plans and trying to do something spectacular, as I have often dreamed of in the past, I plan on taking everything one day at a time. If I try to rush to the future or get lost in my dreams, I will only end up making the same mistakes as I've made in the past. I need every single day to work on every little thing. As 2nd Corinthians 5:17 says, "For if anyone is in Christ then he is a new creation; see everything old has passed away, the new has come." I want everything old to pass away because the new has come.

So this summer isn't about England. It isn't about traveling. It isn't about plans. It's not about writing, or my career, or anything of that sort. It is about enjoying every single second of every single day. To appreciate every little thing God has blessed me with. To take in the brewed coffee and watch the sun sink into the lake. I need every little detail. So that I can stop focusing on the big pictures that always seem to distract me, and get to what is really important in life. So that by the end of the summer I have changed, hopefully into a better person.

I can't wait to take in every little thing, because if you pay close enough attention, every little thing can be...

Magic.

Tis the Gift to be Simple

Blog entries don't always have to be elaborate posts on deep or random thoughts, or what you were up to that day. Sometimes they can simple as sharing a photo or writing a quote. So today I'm keeping it simple, and sharing lyrics from a song that remind me what I really need to care about...

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.
Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.
O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

I promise...

That I will never talk to him or speak about him or anything dealing with that situation ever again. I'm done with it. If I keep bringing up my past I'm going to ruin the one good thing I have: my relationship.

Happiness

I don't think I give enough credit to my life.

Over the summer I had a friend tell me how he always read my facebook notes and noticed how they were always depressing. He begged to see a note that was happier instead of the "woe is me, life isn't as great as it should be" vibe he always felt. He told me he'd always read what I wrote and think "aw, poor Laura."

Upon hearing this I was surprised, but after thinking about it I realized he was right. My notes/now blog are typically bittersweet. They're usually based upon something, not necessarily bad, but a struggle or challenge in my life that I'm trying to overcome. I try to end these blogs on high notes; let you, the reader, know what I'm gaining from these so-called tough times. I thought my notes were inspiring to people...not depressing.

Over the summer my writing seemed depressing, because, well, that's how I honestly felt. Read the stuff that I don't post for all to read (aka my diary) and you'll understand why my notes seemed as upsetting as they were. I have my reasons for these feelings but I won't delve into them now because for one, it's in the past and there's no point, and two because as always I'm bound to feel nostalgic again and end up writing about it anyway. But not now. Because right now I have no reason to be depressed. I have no reason to be in a bad mood, or be upset. I have no reason for my writing to have the typical bittersweet vibe. Because on the contrary, I'm fairly happy.

So you can imagine my surprise when a friend showed up at my door tonight to see how I was doing. Apparently I had said something to someone that lead them to believe that not all was well in my life. Which in turn lead my dear friend to come knocking on my door to check-up on me. We have scheduled to hang out later this week, so I will learn then what it is that she heard that has caused for concern. I have a somewhat idea of what we we'll be discussing...I know what the topic is about. But what's concerning to me isn't the situation with myself...it's the fact that I'm giving off this vibe that I'm not happy with my life and I don't even realize I'm doing it.

I suppose it's the emo in me that comes out, especially when I'm writing. These negative thoughts that float around in the back of my head need to be released somewhere, and apparently the keyboard is their best friend. Can I help it? I suppose. I could consciously try to not write about negative things. But that would completely contradict what the purpose of this blog is. And that is for it to be honest and truthful. I will never sugar coat anything on my blog. I will give the blunt honest truth of anything whether anyone wants it or not. I often tell people that I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to writing. And that's the truth. When I write, there is no censorship between my head and my fingertips. I let my thoughts run wild and my fingers just try their best to keep up.

But tonight I am consciously thinking about what am I typing, because tonight I will not let just any thoughts find their way into this blog entry. No. Tonight I'm letting the ones that I should be writing about all the time, but never do because they don't require much thinking. They're called "happiness" and for some sad reason they never make it this far.

I think the underlying reason to not writing about my happiness is because what I had just stated; it doesn't require much thinking. When you're happy, you're happy. You feel good, life's great, what else is there to it? But when you're upset about something, you do think about it. You think about why it's bothering you. It eats at you and consumes you until the point you have to let someone else know about it. Now, grant it I understand that there are of course happy occasions that do the same thing. When you get engaged, or get your dream job, that happiness eats at you because you can't wait to tell people about it. But how often do those happy occasions where you need to shout for joy happen? Not as often as the trials we face.

And there is the bittersweet thing about happiness. Our daily happiness is usually the content, quietness we feel that we don't need to share. You've probably heard of happiness being compared to as a butterfly. If you try to chase it, you'll never catch it. But if you simply live your life, it will come and softly sit on your shoulder. Sometimes you don't even notice it's there.

The Fray did what I think is a magnificent job in describing what happiness is (if you've never heard the song Happiness, go listen to it). From being a firecracker you need to get away from to what it feels like when it's not existent in your life. Happiness, as simple as it is, is a lot more complicated than we'd like. At least, when we make it that way.

I'm rambling and if you dear reader are still with me I congratulate you for getting this far to see where I'm going with all of this. The point I'm trying to make is while happiness is usually something we're not as conscious of as when we're unhappy, it doesn't mean we shouldn't be celebrating it. You may not have a newborn or be getting married or have something absolutely incredible happen to you for the moment but it doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate the happiness you already have. There should be no shame in saying you are happy with your life. It's not bragging, it's spreading the joy. We need to stop lying to ourselves about our happiness and simply enjoy it.

With that said, here's what I'm happy with in my life. I am happy for being at Ball State University. It may be the flattest place on earth and I may be surrounded by Colts and Cubs fans, but I absolutely love it. I am happy with the major I have chosen. Sometimes I want to pound my head against a wall because writing can be so damn frustrating, but I'm learning to tolerate that feeling because I still enjoy this craft I'm attempting to master. I'm happy with my social life. With the friends I have here who keep me laughing, to my friends at home who always have my back. I'm happy with my relationship with Joe. People think it's corny to say this but I'm not lying when I state that I honestly feel lucky to be with him. To think that at one point in time I was willing to let this go still blows my mind and I still look back and think and kick myself for being such an idiot. Fortunately I realized this, and even though it had seemed that my realization came just a little too late, I somehow was lucky enough to still get a chance. Best thing that's ever happened to me.

The list can go on. I'm happy with my family even though they're miles away, happy with the uncertain future I so often fear, happy with my home and home away from homes, etc. My life isn't perfect. But it's good enough for me.

I don't know how it happened, but somewhere along the line I stopped chasing happiness. Until one day I woke up, and it was home.

So Lonely

Easter weekend. Ball State's campus. Put the two together and you have a recipe for isolation, loneliness, and complete boredom.

I don't want to spend Easter weekend here at Ball State. But due to my irresponsible behavior on planning things ahead of time, I switched duty weekends with someone and didn't realize until after the fact that I was sentencing myself to a weekend confined to my room when I could be spending time at home with my family. The whole reason I switched weekends was so that I could attend a party. I gave up God for a party. So maybe I had this coming.

I wanted to go home tomorrow morning. I tried to think up ways that I could go home. My parents could come pick me up in the early hours. But I felt it was unfair to ask them to drive 8 hours for a lesser amount of time of me being at home. I thought of asking to borrow someone's car, but that didn't seem right either. Regardless, I came to terms in realizing that unless I had my own personal way of transportation, I was not going home.

I've tried to accept that. But I regret that decision now more than ever.

The reason I want to go home so badly is the reason anyone wants to go home on the holidays: to be with the ones they love. To enjoy their company. To celebrate such a day with them. Seeing as I'm missing out on that, I was excited to hear that my boyfriend would still be staying on campus with me. If I couldn't be with my family, the only other person I'd want to be with is him. I'd actually prefer just to be with all of them together.

Life doesn't work that way.

Instead today I found what I feared most in not going home: loneliness. The desire to be with the people I love didn't happen. It could've, but it didn't. Instead I spent most of the day working on homework, or being in my room. Sometimes I was around other people but I felt mostly alone. And now, the one holiday I want to spend with the people I care most about, even more so than Christmas, I might indeed be spending alone.

It is, however, not about me. Easter is about God. Perhaps it's a good thing I'm alone. I can spend my day focused on Him.

Doesn't change how I feel though. And all I feel is so lonely.