Happiness

I don't think I give enough credit to my life.

Over the summer I had a friend tell me how he always read my facebook notes and noticed how they were always depressing. He begged to see a note that was happier instead of the "woe is me, life isn't as great as it should be" vibe he always felt. He told me he'd always read what I wrote and think "aw, poor Laura."

Upon hearing this I was surprised, but after thinking about it I realized he was right. My notes/now blog are typically bittersweet. They're usually based upon something, not necessarily bad, but a struggle or challenge in my life that I'm trying to overcome. I try to end these blogs on high notes; let you, the reader, know what I'm gaining from these so-called tough times. I thought my notes were inspiring to people...not depressing.

Over the summer my writing seemed depressing, because, well, that's how I honestly felt. Read the stuff that I don't post for all to read (aka my diary) and you'll understand why my notes seemed as upsetting as they were. I have my reasons for these feelings but I won't delve into them now because for one, it's in the past and there's no point, and two because as always I'm bound to feel nostalgic again and end up writing about it anyway. But not now. Because right now I have no reason to be depressed. I have no reason to be in a bad mood, or be upset. I have no reason for my writing to have the typical bittersweet vibe. Because on the contrary, I'm fairly happy.

So you can imagine my surprise when a friend showed up at my door tonight to see how I was doing. Apparently I had said something to someone that lead them to believe that not all was well in my life. Which in turn lead my dear friend to come knocking on my door to check-up on me. We have scheduled to hang out later this week, so I will learn then what it is that she heard that has caused for concern. I have a somewhat idea of what we we'll be discussing...I know what the topic is about. But what's concerning to me isn't the situation with myself...it's the fact that I'm giving off this vibe that I'm not happy with my life and I don't even realize I'm doing it.

I suppose it's the emo in me that comes out, especially when I'm writing. These negative thoughts that float around in the back of my head need to be released somewhere, and apparently the keyboard is their best friend. Can I help it? I suppose. I could consciously try to not write about negative things. But that would completely contradict what the purpose of this blog is. And that is for it to be honest and truthful. I will never sugar coat anything on my blog. I will give the blunt honest truth of anything whether anyone wants it or not. I often tell people that I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to writing. And that's the truth. When I write, there is no censorship between my head and my fingertips. I let my thoughts run wild and my fingers just try their best to keep up.

But tonight I am consciously thinking about what am I typing, because tonight I will not let just any thoughts find their way into this blog entry. No. Tonight I'm letting the ones that I should be writing about all the time, but never do because they don't require much thinking. They're called "happiness" and for some sad reason they never make it this far.

I think the underlying reason to not writing about my happiness is because what I had just stated; it doesn't require much thinking. When you're happy, you're happy. You feel good, life's great, what else is there to it? But when you're upset about something, you do think about it. You think about why it's bothering you. It eats at you and consumes you until the point you have to let someone else know about it. Now, grant it I understand that there are of course happy occasions that do the same thing. When you get engaged, or get your dream job, that happiness eats at you because you can't wait to tell people about it. But how often do those happy occasions where you need to shout for joy happen? Not as often as the trials we face.

And there is the bittersweet thing about happiness. Our daily happiness is usually the content, quietness we feel that we don't need to share. You've probably heard of happiness being compared to as a butterfly. If you try to chase it, you'll never catch it. But if you simply live your life, it will come and softly sit on your shoulder. Sometimes you don't even notice it's there.

The Fray did what I think is a magnificent job in describing what happiness is (if you've never heard the song Happiness, go listen to it). From being a firecracker you need to get away from to what it feels like when it's not existent in your life. Happiness, as simple as it is, is a lot more complicated than we'd like. At least, when we make it that way.

I'm rambling and if you dear reader are still with me I congratulate you for getting this far to see where I'm going with all of this. The point I'm trying to make is while happiness is usually something we're not as conscious of as when we're unhappy, it doesn't mean we shouldn't be celebrating it. You may not have a newborn or be getting married or have something absolutely incredible happen to you for the moment but it doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate the happiness you already have. There should be no shame in saying you are happy with your life. It's not bragging, it's spreading the joy. We need to stop lying to ourselves about our happiness and simply enjoy it.

With that said, here's what I'm happy with in my life. I am happy for being at Ball State University. It may be the flattest place on earth and I may be surrounded by Colts and Cubs fans, but I absolutely love it. I am happy with the major I have chosen. Sometimes I want to pound my head against a wall because writing can be so damn frustrating, but I'm learning to tolerate that feeling because I still enjoy this craft I'm attempting to master. I'm happy with my social life. With the friends I have here who keep me laughing, to my friends at home who always have my back. I'm happy with my relationship with Joe. People think it's corny to say this but I'm not lying when I state that I honestly feel lucky to be with him. To think that at one point in time I was willing to let this go still blows my mind and I still look back and think and kick myself for being such an idiot. Fortunately I realized this, and even though it had seemed that my realization came just a little too late, I somehow was lucky enough to still get a chance. Best thing that's ever happened to me.

The list can go on. I'm happy with my family even though they're miles away, happy with the uncertain future I so often fear, happy with my home and home away from homes, etc. My life isn't perfect. But it's good enough for me.

I don't know how it happened, but somewhere along the line I stopped chasing happiness. Until one day I woke up, and it was home.