Easter weekend. Ball State's campus. Put the two together and you have a recipe for isolation, loneliness, and complete boredom.
I don't want to spend Easter weekend here at Ball State. But due to my irresponsible behavior on planning things ahead of time, I switched duty weekends with someone and didn't realize until after the fact that I was sentencing myself to a weekend confined to my room when I could be spending time at home with my family. The whole reason I switched weekends was so that I could attend a party. I gave up God for a party. So maybe I had this coming.
I wanted to go home tomorrow morning. I tried to think up ways that I could go home. My parents could come pick me up in the early hours. But I felt it was unfair to ask them to drive 8 hours for a lesser amount of time of me being at home. I thought of asking to borrow someone's car, but that didn't seem right either. Regardless, I came to terms in realizing that unless I had my own personal way of transportation, I was not going home.
I've tried to accept that. But I regret that decision now more than ever.
The reason I want to go home so badly is the reason anyone wants to go home on the holidays: to be with the ones they love. To enjoy their company. To celebrate such a day with them. Seeing as I'm missing out on that, I was excited to hear that my boyfriend would still be staying on campus with me. If I couldn't be with my family, the only other person I'd want to be with is him. I'd actually prefer just to be with all of them together.
Life doesn't work that way.
Instead today I found what I feared most in not going home: loneliness. The desire to be with the people I love didn't happen. It could've, but it didn't. Instead I spent most of the day working on homework, or being in my room. Sometimes I was around other people but I felt mostly alone. And now, the one holiday I want to spend with the people I care most about, even more so than Christmas, I might indeed be spending alone.
It is, however, not about me. Easter is about God. Perhaps it's a good thing I'm alone. I can spend my day focused on Him.
Doesn't change how I feel though. And all I feel is so lonely.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I would like to say that I think you're one of the few people who understand what Lent is truly about. One thing that bugs me is that people give something up just because of the season, and don't think about the real reason behind it. You strike me as someone who put more time into your relationship with God, which is what it's about, isn't it? I mean, working on your vices is good and all, but by giving a vice up you're supposed to use the time/money/effort that you'd normally use on it, and transfer it to God, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong.
ReplyDeleteAlso: last year I was alone on Easter. While I may not be Christian, I do know that it sucks not to be with your family over a holiday. My suggestion to you is to go get cooking supplies and cook yourself an Easter dinner. It's fun, and it cheered me up a bit last year.
I just now saw your comment Dayna. Thanks! I do try to make lent a little more about God. Sometimes I lose focus of that but I try to at least better myself when it comes to these things. And I agree about the people who don't participate in Lent for the right reasons. In a way it bothers me, but in another way I think "well, at least it's something."
ReplyDeleteAnd actually I ended up having a wonderful Easter here at Ball State. I didn't cook, but my boyfriend and I went out and it was fun. Thanks for your suggestion though, I'm sure I'll be doing that at some point again in the future :)