Time, why you punish me?

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

The clock is taunting me.

It's an ugly Tuesday morning and I am sitting at my desk trying to cross more things off my never-ending list of to-dos but I'm having a hard time concentrating. Because just over my shoulder is the robin's egg clock on the wall, going tick...tick...tick...tick...

I think this is one of the few times I've actually noticed that clock and the ticking sound it produces. Normally I am so wrapped up in what I'm doing I barely hear it. It's just background noise I've learned to subconsciously ignore. But here I am, with less than three weeks to go at Ball State, and all I can think about is the tick...tick...tick...

Time, normally my best friend and most precious gift, is turning into my worst enemy, constantly chopping off the seconds of the little time left remaining. I can't stop it. I can't prolong it. There's nothing I can do to fight it. I just have to brace it, and try my best to appreciate the few days, hours, minutes, and seconds left remaining.

Time made itself known to me just the other day when I was walking to my boyfriend's house from the library. As I crossed campus on an unusually warm spring evening I noticed how beautiful campus was. And out of nowhere it occurred to me: this is one of the last times you make this walk from the library to the house. Which in turn led to thoughts of, this is one of the last times you'll be on campus as a student. And before I knew it my face turned red and the tears began falling. I tried to fight them but the more I tried the sadder I felt. Even though I felt sad, I realized my tears weren't necessarily a bad thing. They're simply a testament to the past three years I've had here at Ball State.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I am one of those people who just doesn't know how to live in the moment. I've been getting better but I still find myself constantly yearning for the future and missing the past. Of course, I've begun to realize I miss the past so much because I was looking forward to the future and didn't appreciate what I was experiencing right then and there. Living in the moment is not something I've ever been able to fully accomplish.

Until now. Because now I realize I am going to miss my university. I am going to miss being a student. I am going to miss my friends, my experiences, everything I've gone through in the past three years. All I can do now is try to desperately hold onto what is left.

This also has turned me into the clingy girlfriend I've never wanted to be. The future, which I once felt so calmly about just a few months ago, has scared the shit out of me again. Because after these three weeks my boyfriend and I will see each other just a few more times before I start my internship and he starts working. And then after that he will be in Milwaukee. And me? I have not a clue where I'll be. All I know is my goal is still New York.

So then what? Let's say things work out as I hope. Let's say I do land a job in New York City. How long will I be there? For the rest of my life? What about my boyfriend? He'll be in Milwaukee for at least six years working for his doctorate. Does that mean that after these next three weeks we'll be long-distance for perhaps six years?

You can see now why I panic.

I shouldn't panic though. Milwaukee, wherever I am, will only be a drive or flight away. After going to England and seeing how easy it is to travel from place to place, I've realized that distance is not something to fear. Distance is not what separates me from the person I love. The only thing that really separates us from one another is time.

When I was in England I was fully aware that it only takes a minimum of two flights and in less than a day I could be reunited with my love. The problem was I could not hop on a flight whenever I wanted. I had to wait. I had to wait six weeks before I returned to my country, and even a few more days afterward before I saw my boyfriend again. Distance was not my enemy. It was time.

And that's what I'm afraid of. That in my future I will be wasting my most precious resource because it will also be my greatest separation. I will wish the seconds to go even faster and then later wish they had slowed down. I will hate time for separating me from my boyfriend and then hate it even more when the time I spend with him flies by, all while appreciating the few seconds I get to spend with him. As of right now, there is no win-win with time.

But now I must return to my homework. I still have two weeks of classes and one week of finals. I still have much to accomplish and much to appreciate. And not nearly enough time.