The Red Pill

I have a confession to make. Recently I have found that when I am not paying attention, when I am zoned out in my own little world, I catch myself humming and singing to a recent song that should make me blush in shame: Lady Gaga's "Judas."

The first time I heard it I was driving from my hometown to Muncie. When it popped up I almost turned it off. A good Christian follower wouldn't subject his or herself to a song about their Savior's betrayer. Still, the curious, "try to be open-minded" side told me there was no harm in hearing what she had to say. I listened intently to the lyrics, trying to interpret the message she was relaying. It eluded me. After the song ended I sat there behind the wheel thinking, "Huh?"

Of course my confusion about it only meant that I was going to listen to it more. I wanted to figure it out. Which is what I have been trying to do. I listen to the song. I read the lyrics. And last night I watched the music video. I still don't completely know what to make of it. The best interpretation I could come up with is based off the line "Jesus is my virtue, and Judas is the demon I cling to." Perhaps she is saying she cannot stop herself from sinning and giving into the darker side of life.

Still unsatisfied I decided to investigate some more. Somewhere out there in the world had to be some clues as to how Lady Gaga feels about religion and God. Especially after her Alejandro video, in which she dresses as a nun and swallows a rosary.

I watched and read interviews. She says she is religious and that she prays and believes in God and Jesus. I also learned she attended a Catholic school her whole life. That tidbit of information right there made everything click.

I am not out to disrespect Catholic schools or the Catholic Church or anything of that sort. But I have noticed, with my friends who attended Catholic schools, most of them do not have a close relationship or faith in God. In fact, ironically most of them are atheists. I don't know why this is. All I know is that they're impossible to argue with. They have a wealth of knowledge on the Bible and Christianity and have also spent a decent amount of time seriously reflecting on it and the validity of it all. I, on the other hand, know very little about what's written in the Bible and its validity. I actually know very little about my faith and belief. No wonder I get so frustrated with it.

I find this ironic and silly of me. How can I go around preaching something I barely know anything about? It's foolish. Foolish to put my belief and faith into something I haven't devoted any time into learning about. And as I talked about in my last blog, I fear that my lack of knowledge will cause my faith to be misdirected. I don't want to end up like one of Camping's followers, so certain of something I had very little information about.

So I've decided that my ignorance needs to come to an end. I have just spent the past three years receiving an education in journalism – finding the truth has been shoved down my throat. I've been trained to research, ask questions, and to be "objective." Maybe it's time I take some of these tools and use them for my own good.
I don't really know how to go about this. Should I start in Genesis and just go from the beginning to the end? Should I make up a list of questions and concerns and focus on finding those answers? Should I check out some books? And how do I go about finding the other side of the story? Should I go down to the Creation Museum and then go talk to a scientist who specializes in evolution? Should I keep going to church or should I isolate myself from other believers in hopes of finding how I feel about everything?

I haven't even started and I'm already frustrated.

Good news is I don't think there is a right or wrong way of going about this. So my first step is simple. What's the first thing I always do when I'm confused or frustrated? Actually it's run, but the second thing is: write. Writing clarifies my confusion. And since my faith seems to be the most complicated part of my life right now, I figure writing about it is a good place to start. I have a journal and a pen. And I plan on filling it with all of my thoughts, questions, prayers, and discoveries. My journey starts tomorrow.

I started this blog talking about Lady Gaga. There is a reason for that. Because the more I listen to Judas and the more I read about her the more I sympathize for her. Why? Because I think she is confused as well. I don't think she's out to piss people off. Maybe she is, but I would like to think it's a little more innocent than that. I would like to think she is using her music as a venue for expressing her confusion. I'm not saying she is right or that I agree with some of the things she does; I certainly don't condone her actions. All I'm saying is that I think I get it. I think.

Regardless, her song Judas has inspired me to go in search of the answers I've been asking my whole life. It's time to swallow the red pill.