Yesterday morning I had an appointment at my new doctor's office. I arrived, and after filling in the necessary paperwork and signing over whatever the doctor's office requires, I made my way over to the magazine stand. I was only in for a mere check-up and physical exam. I discovered that a "new patient" appointment was needed before any actual doctor's appointment, you know, the one time you really need to see a doctor, when I called a month ago with a virus infection. Thank goodness for Urgent Care.
So there I was for my "new patient" appointment. Since I was not dreading seeing the doctor I for once felt comfortable perusing a magazine (in most situations I just sit there nervously twiddling my thumbs as I silently count the seconds before I have to see the dreaded physician). What was I going to check out today? There was a beautiful cover of Bazaar. Did I want to read up on the latest fashion styles that I can't afford? Or what about Fitness? I'm sure there was something in there about getting flat abs and a smoothie recipe that's going to help me a lose weight. I continued to scour over everything until suddenly there it was. In that bright red border I saw the only story on the cover, interesting enough that I immediately grabbed it and whisked it with me to the nearest seat in the waiting area: Alzheimer's.
I have been curious about Alzheimer's ever since my grandma was diagnosed with it a few years back. My mother was the first to pick up on the signs. She noticed my grandma was not acting her normal self. My grandma started to realize it too. My mom encouraged my grandma to go to the doctor but she refused. By the time she did go, it was already too late.
Of course it didn't help that the doctor who saw my grandma didn't believe that she had Alzheimer's. You see with alzheimer's patients, they seem to have episodes or incidents. Sometimes they appear normal. That's why I never picked up on the signs until later when the alzheimer's had progressed. But my mother, a nurse I might add, who was very close to her mother and was able to witness things that were oblivious to the rest of us, knew that something was up. She called the doctor and begged him to put her on some medicine. It took the doctor awhile before realizing my mother was right. Every time my grandma went to visit she seemed fine. But soon enough the disease made known its presence and the only thing the doctor could really do was put her on meds that would hopefully slow down the progress.
And in reality that's the best thing he could've done anyway. Alzheimer's is like cancer. There is no cure, and there's really no way of understanding how it happens. The best you can do is try to live a healthy lifestyle, exercise your brain, and hope and pray that something will come out that will prevent you from receiving this death sentence.
In fact, dare I say, I do believe that Alzheimer's may be the worst disease out there right now. I know I'm biased because I witnessed the horrific events of watching someone I loved die from it. There doesn't appear to be any pain, physically at least. Emotionally? Terrifying. My grandma no longer recognized me. Didn't know my name. Couldn't remember memories. This isn't The Notebook where they portrayed Alzheimer's in a way in which your entire life can flash back to you. No. Alzheimer's patients soon forget how to take care of themselves, and remembering happy times is a thing of the past.
The last, happy moment I had with my Granda was one of the times I visited her in the nursing home. It was just my mother and I and we were leaving. As I said goodbye, I leaned over, hugged her, and told her I loved her. She looked up at me and said, "Oh sweetheart." And for a split second, one little moment when I looked in her eyes, I could swear that she remembered me. That she remembered who I was. And that she somehow knew the situation she was in and sympathized with me. I know it's crazy. It's illogical to believe that someone with advanced Alzheimer's could have a moment like that. But I don't need logic to explain what I experienced. I fully believe that for that one moment in time, she remembered.
The first time I saw her there I freaked out. Literally. I ran out of the room, down the hall, back to the front desk and locked myself in the bathroom to cry. It didn't help that I had just been to her husband's memorial service that morning. The husband she didn't remember. The husband she would never realize was gone. Once I was able to calm myself down and face reality, I went back and kept my cool. Then before we left we put a vase of flowers from the memorial service on a table and my grandma went and looked at them. She admired their beauty and found them lovely. I was horrified that she was admiring the flowers from her own husband's memorial service. But perhaps for her emotional health, her unknowingness was for the better.
Needless to say, her Alzheimer's was an experience I witnessed that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
So when I saw the Times magazine with Alzheimer's on the cover I had to read it. I plopped myself down and immediately began flipping through pages until I found the story.
Unfortunately I barely got a page in when my name was called. I put the magazine back and followed the nurse into the exam room. I decided I would ask my doctor about Alzheimer's.
The other day I was driving in Muncie when radio talk show host Kim Ireson came on Indy' station 99.5. She talked about Alzheimer's disease and mentioned a blood test that could predict if you had the gene that would develop Alzheimer's. And she asked the listeners if they would get the test. Would you want to know if you could, or were going to, be diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease?
I thought about this. Would I? Would I really want to know if I was going to end up like my Grandma? Would I want to have that terminal sentence hanging over my head? Would I want to know that one day I was going to forget my family, my loved ones, my life, even myself?
The answer? Yes. I would want to know. I would want to know as soon as possible. I would want to know that I needed to cherish every memory. All of my friends know how often I dwell on them; it would make appreciating them even more. I would write more about my life. I would take more photos. When I got married and had children I would tell them what I would want them to do if, or when, I am diagnosed with the disease. I would want to be prepared. They would know I would rather take death over deteriorating away in a nursing home. Lord, if any thing ever happens to me, I do not want to spend my last days cooped up in a place like that. Life, in that state, is not worth living.
So naïve and paranoid me asked my doctor about this test. I learned that this test is still being developed; it's not completely ready. I also learned that this tests for a gene that causes alzheimer's; there are other factors that can trigger it that can't be tested for (at least not yet). And last but not least, I embarrassingly learned that I, a 21 year-old, should not be worrying about getting this test done. No one would pay for someone my age to find out if she was getting Alzheimer's. In fact, if I am ever to be tested for it, it won't happen for at least another 30 years. My deep contemplation on getting this test done was apparently a waste of my time.
In the meantime, all I can do is try to live a healthy lifestyle. Work out almost every day. Get my fruits and veggies. Read and do other things that'll exercise my brain. Other than that, there's not much left to do. I won't know until I'm well into the majority of my years on whether I will have the disease. And by then hopefully more research will be done. Hopefully they'll know more about preventing it, and may have developed some better medicines for fighting it. Hopefully.
Until then, cherish your memories. Be grateful that your forgetfulness is usually limited to "where did I put my keys?" and "what was the homework for tomorrow?" Not staring at your brother and wondering who he was. And keep in mind that there are people struggling with this disease and have loved ones fighting with them as well.
You can learn more about Alzheimer's here: http://www.alz.org/index.asp
I also encourage you to check out this: http://www.alz.org/shriverreport/about.html
It's about how women, the primary caregivers, are taking on the fight against Alzheimer's. My mother, who did her best to care for my grandma, is a testament to what women are experiencing with this disease.
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