All I Want

Another typical Saturday night and out of habit/boredom I logged onto my facebook. There in my news feed, in all caps, was a friend's excitement of some news he had just received but couldn't tell. He couldn't tell it, he said, because it wasn't "facebook official" yet. Of course, being "facebook official" usually implies a change in relationship. My guess was that someone got engaged. A text message later, and I learned I was right.

In all previous circumstances I have literally bounced off the walls in joy for my friends. I grin as the girls tell me how he proposed. They show me photos of their wedding gowns and I tell them how beautiful it is. I goggle at their rings, ask them what their song will be, and feel a sincere and genuine sense of happiness for them.

But today, I did not feel that.

Joy did not show up today. Instead, the green-eyed monster made his appearance. The couple I had just learned of getting engaged is younger than me. They have been together for the same amount of time as my boyfriend and I. And they have known each other even less than us. To learn of their engagement, was pathetically a blow to my self-esteem.

Wow, that's really shallow, Laura.

Yes, yes it is. It is shallow, pathetic, and selfish. In a time when I should be happy for them, all I could think about was me. It's wrong. But it's the truth.

I hate admitting it, but learning of so many friends' engagements and marriages is getting old, and it's getting old fast. Don't get me wrong, in most of these cases I am still jubilant for the couple. But as I keep seeing more and more friends walking around with diamond rings on their left ring fingers, a small sense of hopelessness eats at me. Why don't I have a ring on my finger? Why hasn't my boyfriend popped the question? And, even more concerning, why doesn't he even want to think or talk about it?

I got off of facebook and plopped myself on my bed. What is wrong with me? I thought. Why must I compare myself to other couples? Because I am human and when I see friends getting what I want, I can't help but wonder why it's not happening for me.

This has happened before but in all previous situations it was something I could "solve" on my own. Friends get better grades? I'll study more. Friends have cuter outfits? I'll save my money and update my wardrobe. Friends have boyfriends? I'll try to be prettier, funnier, cuter, flirtier, whatever it takes to make boys notice me more.

The boyfriend category was always the hardest.

I was not the girl guys fawned over in high school. I did not wake up at 5 a.m. to do my hair and make-up. I wore sweats and hoodies. Puberty plus genetics were not kind to my skin. I was awkward and shy. And when you have size 0, bleach-blonde cheerleaders running around, it's hard to compete.
But I watched my friends get into relationships. I watched them find dates for homecoming and prom. I felt jealous of them, jealous that they had what I always wanted. And I always wondered what I was doing wrong.

Of course, high school fortunately came to an end and I had much better luck at college. I met the boy who I thought was cute and charming, the one that could make me laugh and give me a shoulder to cry on. From the moment he asked me to be his girlfriend, I've had what I've always wanted.

But want never stops. Being his girlfriend suddenly doesn't seem like enough when I see a younger couple, who have been in their relationship just as long, with plans to tie the knot. At first it was just wanting the wedding. The dress, the "I do's", the cake, the dancing. But now I want what the wedding is all about: marriage. I want the commitment. I want the relationship solidified. I want confirmation that we are both comfortable with what we have and are willing to make it work for the rest of our lives.

Fortunately I am dating someone smarter than me, who isn't as rash about rushing into marriage. Because he admits he is not ready, I know I have no marriage to plan for anytime soon. Which gives me the opportunity to think about whether I am really ready for it or not.

Part of me wonders how much jealousy drives a person to do something. How much of an influence do my friends have over me? Do I really want to get married? Or am I just wanting what my friends have? Am I really prepared to handle a lifetime commitment? Or do I just think trying on wedding dresses, picking out cake flavors, and deciding on a guest list would be fun?

Chances are, I am not ready for marriage. Although I have witnessed 21 years of my parents' marriage, I have no idea what it is really like. I don't know how to handle a budget with another person. I don't know the best way to solve an argument. I don't know what it is like the day you wake up and the butterflies are gone and you no longer have the "rush" you once felt for that person. I don't even know what I would do when that day comes. And I'm guessing these thoughts are only hitting the tip of the iceberg.

I do want to get married. There is no denying that. But wanting it and being ready for it are two very different things. And again, fortunately for me, my boyfriend will not ask me to marry him until he feels we are fully ready for it (I was lucky to find someone so responsible…unlike myself).

So I will fight the green-eyed monster, because I know what he wants is fleeting, whereas marriage should be a lifetime. And I will support my friends who have already made the decision, and hope with all of my heart they are doing it because they are ready. Not because it's what they want.