Baby Steps

Let's start small.

That's the best I can do right now and I think it's the most I can handle. After feeling insanely guilty for my lack of obedience to God, going to church yesterday, and then reading my friends' e-mails today, I realize I've somehow jumped the tracks when it comes to being a Christian and having this relationship with the Lord. I'd ignore it but that's just an easy cop-out. Not to mention, it's also because I've been ignoring it for so long. I can't ignore it anymore.

The truth is, I miss it. I miss turning to God for help. I miss how calm I feel when I do go to church, and pray, and read the bible, and talk to others about God. I miss that feeling of "everything's going to be okay." I miss having God a part of my life.

I know how this happened and as much as I hate to say it, I could've seen it coming. Instead of putting my faith and love and trust into God, I put it in other people. I specifically put it into my boyfriend. Now, I am by no means blaming him. It's just that I found comfort in his physical presence that I've lost the comfort of being in God's spiritual presence. And let's face it. It's obviously a lot easier to run to my boyfriend crying and have him wrap his arms around me than it is to run to God. I think that's the point though. You're suppose to turn to God even though you can't see Him, or hear Him, or feel Him, in the physical sense. That's the whole point of faith. To trust in what is unseen.

And I still do trust in what is unseen. I still believe in God, I still believe He can help me. But I've been carrying around this guilt of sin. This sin that I don't know what to do about. Because I still live in it and I don't think it will stop. Sin that has me torn up because I don't even feel guilty except when I think about the fact that it is all sin. I'm not sure what to make of it.

And that's what's been separating me from God. Sin. This guilt, this shame, this knowing that I have failed because I did not obey. Why should God listen to me when I don't listen to Him? It makes sense, does it not?

But I also have to remember that God was well aware of this and fixed it. You know, Jesus dying on the cross. So that our sins would not separate us from God. I know that Jesus' death was more so that we would go to heaven instead of hell even though we are sinners. But I think it applies to our lives here on earth. I think, and I am by no means any expert on God or Christianity or anything for that matter, but I think part of being a Christian is that you know God loves you in spite of your sin and you don't allow your sin to come between you and God.

If you can't tell by now, I am trying to work out this puzzle of religion and faith in my head. Bear with me.

To let my sin separate me from God is only what is making this worse. To allow guilt to keep me from going to Church, from praying, from doing the things that will bring me closer to God is going against what Jesus did for me in the first place. God knows I've f'ed up. God knows I will f up again. But I don't think God would want me to stop talking to Him because I keep f'ing up. At least I hope not.

So where do I start?

And that's what brings me to the whole point of this blog: to start small. I can't expect myself to dive right back into Christianity like it's my job because as history has taught me I'll only feel overwhelmed and confused, and when I fail I'll go back into my same cycle of ignoring God and letting time pass until I'm right back to where I am right now. No, I can't put pressure on myself to be the perfect Christian. It'll never work.

So I've decided I will start with a small goal. This week: pray every day. Whether that's for just a minute or for an hour, I need to get into the habit of talking to God. That's the first step in remedying a relationship, right? To start talking. Letting it all out. And more importantly, to be completely and utterly honest. Even about the things that I know God won't be happy about.

My first prayer is that God will listen.