Daydream Believer

Yesterday, just yesterday, did the idea of attending grad school finally burrowed it's way into my head. Talk about an unexpected desire showing up just a little too late.

I have never had any desire to continue my education further than undergrad. Never. In fact, I could barely stand the idea of attending school for as long as I'm supposed to. But thanks to the post-secondary program I did my last year and a half of high school, I skipped out on high school classes and took college courses instead. I walked into Ball State with 32 credit hours under my belt. Now I'll be getting out of school a year ahead of time.

I realize, with this last year of college speeding by me just a little too quickly, how much of a hurry I've been in my whole life to get out of the education system and be able to stand on my own two feet. Ever since I could remember I've been eager to grow up. Of course, that's natural. Everyone at some point in their childhood dream up different careers and imagines what life is like as an adult. But I don't know if anyone has been trying to rush through it in such a way as I have. And now with my childhood behind me and my "grown-up" years only minutes away, I'm trying to preserve every ounce of youth that I have.

I'm technically an adult, but like most people my age I don't feel it. I feel childlike in so many ways. Still constantly learning things about the world I feel I should already know. Still in this self-conscious state of mind where I feel any wrong move I make will bring everything falling apart. My grades aren't good enough, my cooking isn't up to par, and I'm still living off my Dad's paycheck. If you threw me out into the "real world" right now, I would fall apart.

And that's part of the reason I think this mysterious desire to continue my education popped up. It was Saturday night, just my boyfriend and I sitting and talking when somehow I brought up the grad programs a journalism professor recommended. Northwestern was one of them and boyfriend, being the Chicago/Illinois enthusiast that he is, piped up and urged me to check out their website. So I looked it up and saw the program and the courses they offered. It intrigued me. I felt like I was a junior in high school again, enthusiastically and curiously looking up all the possible universities I could attend. Except this time I could expand my search even further. Think of all the universities out there, at all the different places, all offering to help improve my journalism/writing skills. Think of the opportunity! I won't lie...it's a little tempting.

It's also tempting to go back in time, return to my happy days of cross-country running, Steve & Barry's working, college classes at Miami Hamilton, and just be 17 forever. Have my girls nights, flirt with cute boys, be naive and live life the way I always knew it. If and only if.

Truth is, I do believe I am much happier here (believe it or not) in Muncie, IN. I am much happier not stressing about boys, especially one who I should've never stressed about in the first place, and be in the relationship with the boy I was lucky enough to snatch. I am happy to not be worried about what I am going to do with my life and now only have the pleasure of worrying about how I will succeed with what I want to do with my life. I am happier even though I'm broke. I am happier even though I'm farther away from my family and some of my very close friends. In a nutshell, my life is harder than what it once was...but I am happier with it.

I've decided not to pursue the grad school idea just yet. That's going on hold. I always have a thousand of "wonderful" ideas I get all gung-ho about, only to toss them out a week later. I am still very eager to just throw myself out there, even though I'm terrified. I still like the idea of not knowing where I'm going to be a year from now, even though it goes completely against my anal "have a plan for everything" for personality. As odd as it sounds there is some sort of odd comfort in knowing that I don't know. And I won't know until after next summer.

Until then, I'll flirt with the ideas that come and go, dream of the possibilities ahead, cry over my worries, and know that in the end I'll be okay.