Only Love Can Conquer Hate

I hate someone. I know, what a cheery way to start off a new post. But it's true. I know you're not suppose to hate. I know most people like to sugar-coat it by saying, "I don't hate anyone, but I strongly dislike (so and so)." And I used to say that because I know it's a terrible thing to hate someone.

But I'm not going to lie: I hate him.

If my close friends were to take a guess at the person they think I hate, they'd be surprised to learn that it's not who they're thinking of. Yes, the person they're thinking of is not one of my favorite people. He falls on the "strongly dislike" list. But I do not hate him. And it's interesting because these two people are similar in a lot of aspects. But there is one very specific reason why one falls under hate while the other does not.

I guess I should begin as to why this even comes up. Pretty simple actually; I came across his facebook. And I looked at it. Reread his bio, thought about how there was truth to it while the rest was complete bullshit, and remembered why I am no longer friends with this person. Which inspired me to vent about it.

I could give you details as to why I hate this person, and maybe I should because there does need to be some proof, some reason, some truth as to why I have come to hate this person. But honestly, what good will it do? You're not me, you haven't had the interactions with this person the way I have. And I have no idea how anyone aside from myself defines hate. I could tell you the whole story in great detail but it doesn't mean you'll agree with me. So I'll skip all that. Just trust that I have my reasons and hate is what has resulted.

But why him?

Truth is, the other person caused a lot more personal harm than the person I actually hate. The other person stressed me out, angered me, brought tears to my eyes, left me vulnerable and inspired revenge. For a long time, I did in fact hate person B.

Until earlier this year. Person B subtly popped up on my facebook (I hate technology) and although it wasn't enough to call for communication, I jumped on it anyway since I was dying with curiosity to understand why he was even looking at my facebook (because I'm a girl and we overanalyze EVERYTHING. If someone merely "pokes" you on facebook it's enough to get your mind going with all sorts of theories and thoughts that this person is trying to catch your attention). So I messaged him. He responded. He, for the first time ever, apologized. Cool. But when he tried to keep the communication going, I stopped him. This is weird, I remember thinking. It's like we're trying to get back to being friends again. And I don't want to be friends. I don't even want him in my life.

So to avoid the "I never want to speak to you again" message, I blocked him. That should send the message loud and clear, right? Of course, little did I know that I would later receive a nasty e-mail from him saying that if I didn't want to talk to him all I had to do was say so. I didn't have to block him.

And there, right there, is actually what draws the line between dislike and hate.

Person B is a straight-up douchebag. No doubt about it. And I have even more proof to back that up and I doubt anyone would disagree with me if they heard my story. But the difference between Person B and Person A, is that Person B doesn't understand that he's a douche bag. He doesn't understand that he hasn't changed at all. That one simple message he last sent said it all: He's the same guy from two years ago and I doubt he understands what could've been the consequences of his actions. All I'm saying is, if someone blocked me I would get the hint that they didn't want to talk to me. And if I was mature enough, I would respect their wishes. I would not go out of my way to bitch at them for doing such a thing. I'd let it go.

Maybe it was immature of me to block him. But then again, if you heard my story I think you'd understand. Plus, in my defense, I was 20 when I blocked him. He was 30. Don't you think someone ten years older would have a little more maturity?

Maybe once again I overanalyzed. But when I think of Person B, I no longer feel anger. I just feel sympathy. Sympathy because he hasn't changed. Sympathy because he doesn't understand just what's he done, mostly to himself. Sympathy because I don't think he grasps what he did wrong.

Person A on the other hand? He knows. I don't know how to explain that he knows, but he does. I just know it. He knows his actions, he knows how his actions are going to affect other people, and he goes ahead and does it anyway.

And that's why I hate him. I hate him because he intentionally hurts people for his greater good. Person B hurt people, and I'm probably the person who felt the least of it. And yes, he hurts people for his greater good as well. But Person B doesn't seem to grasp how he hurts other people. He doesn't seem to be able to wrap his mind around how his actions really affect others. In his mind, he is the victim.

Of course, I don't like either of them. I really don't like Person B any more than Person A. But I can forgive Person B because I understand his ignorance. I don't want to forgive Person A because he had it coming.

This was all just a rant. In fact, I don't even know why I had the desire to write about this. Maybe it's one more piece of guilt that I needed to flush out my system; the guilt of knowing I hate.

Marvin Gaye said, "Only love can conquer hate." And I agree with him. But how do you love someone who has hurt you? How can you possibly love someone you know you hate?

I know the answer to this. I don't like it, but I know it. It's called forgiveness. I've forgiven Person B, because I understand that he doesn't understand. I haven't forgiven Person A though. And trying to forgive him will be difficult.

And that's my prayer for tonight: That God can show me how to love, so I may conquer my hate.