2 am Rant (6/90)

Ball State does not feel like Ball State right now. Not that I ever thought it would, but my walk back from the house to my room was just eerily different. Aside from the fact that there is NO ONE here, there's no lights on in several of the buildings, no cars, no drunks, and the weather is this creepy rush of wind that reminds me of storms brewing over Lake Erie. For a second I felt if I closed my eyes and opened them I'd be standing on the cliff next to my cottage, watching the sun sink into Canada with the waves crashing on shore. Unfortunately I open my eyes and realize I'm still here.

Funny thing is, despite the fact that Joe and most of my friends are gone, I still don't feel like going home. I don't necessarily feel like staying here, but I wouldn't mind getting out of here for somewhere else. Just not Fairfield. I don't even know why. Last time I checked, I love my home. And there are definitely certain things that I miss and can't wait to embrace when I get back tomorrow. Like my little kitten or Skyline. It'll be relaxing and I'm sure I'll enjoy it...but I just don't want to go there right now.

Gee whiz...what is wrong with me?

It's like I just want to freeze time and stay where I am forever. Stay 20 forever. Stay at Ball State forever. Stay a happy college student in my oblivion and live life for what it's worth here in Muncie. I am happy summer is here but I am strangely not looking forward to it.

And there should be no reason for that. I'm going to England this summer. I'll be spending a lot of time in New York this summer. I'll get to see Joe more than just once this summer. I'll have my friends at home, I'll make friends overseas. I can write now knowing that I actually have a shot of getting published instead of just doing it for my own amusement. I will chill in the sun, relax in my pool, run along the beach. This summer is looking to be perfection.

And yet I don't want perfection right now. I don't know what I want. All I do know is that I feel all over the place, I don't understand why, but I am trying my best to figure it out.