Say What You Need to Say (1/90)

People are following my blog. Weird.

Having someone read my writing has never been particularly uncomfortable for me. I've posted plenty of blogs and notes over the past few years for friends to read and comment on. I've sent my fair share of letters, from the typical "hey how's it going?" update to the personal heart-to-heart letter that you dread sending despite how easy the words seemed to flow from pen to paper. Occasionally I've felt the paranoia of having my words read aloud. Especially with poetry. I love poetry, but I couldn't write a haiku to save my life. Or the time I read my story about my coach to my creative writing class. It felt good to let that out, but it was particularly awkward to have my classmates, who barely know me, hear me pour out all this emotional turmoil. Aside from those two things, I really can't recall a time where having others read my work was an issue for me.

Until now.

You may be assuming I'm talking about my blog. In a sense, I am. Because here is my second attempt to writing everyday for 90 days (definitely failed after the second day the first time around) and now I have more things to think of and more things to write. Which is great. But it also might mean I'm a little more vulnerable than I was before.

It also goes beyond the blog. As in the dream I'm trying to turn into a career. As in becoming a professional free lance writer.

The desire to be published in a magazine has existed for quite a few years now, and the idea that this desire could turn into reality in the "near" future gives me mixed feelings. For one, it's exciting (duh). Just the idea that I'm trying to pitch a story is an exciting feeling. For it to actual be published would be spectacular.

But it's also kind of scary. Because to be published means people will be reading it; as in people I don't know, people I have never met nor will probably ever meet, will be reading my writing and judging me based off of it. My writing will be a representation of me, and if it turns out my writing is flawed or gives off the wrong tone or doesn't sit well with someone, then they won't be happy with me. And being the people-pleaser I've been my whole life, this idea is just a little outside my comfort zone.

I know you can't make everyone happy. I'm well aware of that and I'm learning to accept it. But accepting that little known fact of life doesn't mean my fear is going to vanish overnight.

However, this fear isn't going to stop me from writing. It's not going to stop me from blogging. And it's not going to stop me from writing my bluntly honest thoughts regardless of whether anyone agrees with me or not.

For the next 89 days, this blog is going to be about me. Selfish you may say but that's what a blog is all about, right? I'm going to write as if no one else were reading it. It's probably going to be a sloppy mess full of random tangents and winding ramblings of my thoughts throughout the day. I will probably reread my posts and wince at the idea that someone somewhere out there is taking what I've said. But my goal for this blog is not for it be perfect. My goal is for me to become comfortable with my writing...as awful as it may be.

I should also add that if you do read my blog you will find I am a huge fan of clichés. I love them. I don't understand what's so wrong with using them. They're clichés because they work!

And last but not least, I am a fan of using lyrics. You will find in almost every blog I post that it revolves around one specific lyric or song. In fact, the entire goal of this blog stems from one of my favorite John Mayer songs. It's a simple message, one that I try to keep in mind every time I sit down to write.

To my fellow classmates/bloggers who are also embarking on this 90 day challenge, I wish you good luck, and that you say what you need to say.