When I Grow Up... (2/90)

I just remembered that I signed up for this 90 day blog deal and so I HAVE to write before I start packing. Which is also before I start studying for my exam tomorrow. Nice!

I am one of those weird people that love finals week. While everyone else is stressing and waiting to get it all over with, I enjoy all the free time that I have. As a student, this means no classes, no homework, nothing but finishing final projects and studying. As an RA, this means no desk work, no one on ones, no staff meetings, and no floor programs, etc. Everything is in chill mode. My mind is set on getting things done so that I can get the hell out of Indiana and back to my beloved homes in Ohio and New York.

At the same time, I hate finals week.

Aside from the obvious stress of studying and whatnot, it's depressing to learn that I only have a week left before summer starts. All year long I have waited for this week. Every time an assignment popped up or the days I walked through the hell known as Muncie winter, I'd slip off into dreamland and wish I was at Lake Erie or rollerblading down the streets of Fairfield. But now that finals week is here, now that summer is here, I am not ready for this year to be over with.

I only have a year of college left :(

I don't know why, but for as long as I can remember I have tried to rush myself through life. My goal has always been to be one step ahead of everyone else. I blame middle school cross-country. The summer before 7th grade my dad and I took the training plan the cross-country coach had given me, and for three days every week we would hit the track together, starting at just running 400m until we built up to 2 miles. When I started cross-country that fall, I had learned no one else really took that program to heart. I was faster than everyone else and placing well in races because of my early training.

I loved it. Since then I have thought up countless plans to get ahead of the game. The spring semester of my junior year of high school I started post-secondary at Miami University in Hamilton. Basically, with the exception of a pre-calc class at Fairfield, I was taking all college classes. The last semester of my senior year I didn't even show up at the high school unless absolutely necessary. Some say I was cheating myself of the high school experience. Trust me, I was not. I had plenty of high school experience under my belt from the first 2 and a half years attending Fairfield. Actually, by skipping classes in high school I got the best of both worlds. I was attending college classes while still getting to go to the prom, run cross-country and track, and attend all the other fun stuff high school has to offer. I just got to miss out on all the drama and waking up at 5:30am :)

By the time I came to Ball State I was a sophomore with 36 credit hours. Naturally, my goal was to get out of here in 3 years. Why waste one more year at college (and one more year of tuition!) when I can be out in the "real" world?

Well, it looks like I'll be accomplishing my goal. And now I kind of regret it.

I'm almost 21 and yet I feel like a child. The idea of leaving the comforts of college and embracing the "real world" terrify me. I have dreamed of being some sassy journalist who struts around the streets of Manhattan in her fancy manolos like Carrie Bradshaw. While I'm not at all expecting to leave Ball State and head straight for the Big Apple, I realize that fantasy may not be so far out of reach. And now I'm not sure if I'm ready to handle it.

I feel like we just move from bubble to bubble. We get ourselves into a new situation where we feel completely out of place and yearning for what we once had. Then we learn to adjust, and find comfort in our new worlds and new lives with new people. And then we blink and discover we have to pack our bags and move on again. For so long I've been more than willing to move on, to rush through my youth so that I can have the independence and successful career I've been craving since middle school. That's until now, where I realize what growing up really is like. It's exhausting, frustrating, and scary. It's life.

I may not be ready to take on the new world. But I am ready to take on this summer, and I am ready for one more year. As I've said before, I can't look too far down the road, because honestly at this point I don't know what's down there anyway. All I can do is enjoy the time I have left, and trust that when this chapter ends God will help me write a new one.