Memories...what to do with you

I don't know why I want to write about this.

I've been contemplating about writing about this topic since, well, forever. I attempted it my freshman year in my English class. I wouldn't say it was a complete failure, but when I went to talk to my prof, she asked me some deep, personal questions concerning the situation. Questions no one but counselor has asked me. Looking back on the responses I gave her, I realize I wasn't separated enough from the situation to really understand it.

Now I finally feel far enough from the memories and negative feelings to be able to write about it. Thing is, I don't know if I really want to.

There's something about writing about this situation that feels like I'm still dwelling on it. Like there's more to understand, more to figure out. But I understand everything. I understand what happened, why it affected me the way it did, how it has both helped me and hurt me, and how I've moved on past it. What's the point in going down that dark path when my life is so much better with it off my mind?

Then there's this other part of me that feels that it's necessary. Something about it makes sense. Like, if I can write about it and be able to analyze everything and be realistic about it all, then it will only prove to myself that I've moved on. Not to mention, maybe it'll help me let go of any old feelings (if there are any) and put a final seal on the envelope of closure. Maybe it'll give credit to the poor girl I once was, or prove some self-triumph over it all. Or maybe someone else could take something away from it.

Or maybe I'm just being a drama queen and it wasn't really that big of a deal. I mean, will my friends roll their eyes when they hear that I'm bringing this back up again? Or maybe they're wrong. Maybe in this situation, I can't care about how they feel. Maybe it was a big deal. But hell, how do I know what's worth freaking out over and what's not? How do I know what's worth bringing up from the past and what's better left untouched?

I guess I don't. But I also know that I could be logical about it, make a pro and con list, talk to others, try to figure out what's "right". That won't work out either. I'm an emotional person and that pours into every aspect of my life. If I don't feel an emotional connection to something, whether it's good or bad, I usually stay away from it. Nothing bothers me more than committing to something I find mundane.

Well, I guess I just answered part of my problem: I have to be emotionally invested in this if I really want to write about it. Now the question is, do I have the strength to write about something that I associate as a bad experience? Will I be able to handle the negative emotions that are going to come along with it?

I've been thinking about it and I guess the only way to find out is to give it a try. I guess I'll just have to find out for myself. Maybe I'll start and then stop immediately. Maybe I'll find myself trying to pull away from it. Maybe I'll explain everything, find a moral in the story, get to the end and then immediately drag it to my trash can icon. I don't know. I don't know whether it's worth writing about or not. All I do know is that it did affect my life and I owe it to myself to find out what I can do with these memories. Whether it's to let them die or find a positive way to bring them back up.

Now, where do I begin...