Hello Hypocrisy

Well if I felt God tapping on my shoulder recently, He basically shoved me today.

It starts with yesterday. I was walking over to one of the campus buildings for a meeting when I ran into an old acquaintance. His name is Rusty, and he is perhaps one of the kindest, humblest guys you will ever meet. He's tall with brownish red hair, is very genuine and 100% country. He is also one of the strongest Christians I know.

We said nothing more than "hi, how are you?" but I felt an instant blush of embarrassment and guilt. I hadn't seen nor talked to him in a long time, and the last time we had talked I was still this innocent Christian girl who was in her first year of college. It was long before I had ever touched alcohol or sacrificed any of my morals. And while I have no clue as to whether he was passing any judgment on me, part of me couldn't help but think that somewhere inside he was shaking his head. I still keep the innocent facade, but that's all that it is.

And then today, only a few moments ago. I was sitting outside the library, trying to catch up on the chapters I need to read for my magazine management class. While I was lost in the "top 10 tips to being the best editor" I heard voice near me. "Excuse me, ma'am? Can we ask you a few questions about spirituality?"

I couldn't say no. Not to sound too narcissistic, but I'm always the one asking people questions when in reality I do love to talk about myself (who doesn't?). Also, it was about spirituality. My spirituality. What kind of person would I be if I couldn't talk about the one thing I am trying to put as my number one priority?

So I was introduced to the three there, the videographer, an assistant, and the guy interviewing me. The questions began.

I knew as soon as they decided to interview me that this was going to be something for Campus Crusades for Life, aka Cru. I've been here long enough to know which religious group is out doing what. Navigators are the laid-back, relaxed group (I love Navs). Cru is the "get out there and spread the word" group! Usually this is intimidating and scares people off. But you know what? They're doing what they feel is right, what they feel will bring people to God. I have nothing against them.

Anyways, I answered my questions, as honestly and as intelligently as I possibly could. My first answer to the first question was probably the best. He asked me what I felt was the most important thing in life. I didn't say God or my faith, or anything like that. I said what was probably the most honest answer I could give: love. And that's the truth. To love my family, my friends, my boyfriend, even strangers, to the best of my ability. I can't say I excel at this...but it is the most important thing to me.

The rest of the questions were more directed towards God, and I answered as honestly as I could. And while I believe the words that were coming from my mouth, I felt like a liar the entire time. How do you get to know God? I gave them my answer. What I didn't tell them was that I wasn't even taking my own advice. I barely go to church. I haven't picked up my Bible in months. And the only time I pray is when I'm struggling and I need help. Religion has become a device I use when I need it. And that wasn't the impression I gave to my interviewers.

There was a particular answer asked in which the guilt really set in. The one girl asked me how my relationship with God affects me in college. I gave a generic answer...going on about how it's tough because there are so many temptations in college. And that's when she did it. She rolled her eyes and nodded her head. It was that look of "yeah, there are too many temptations in college, it's so ridiculous." And I wanted to stop. Because that expression made me realize what I had just done. I had just convinced my interviewers that I was the innocent Christian girl I wanted to portray. If I had let on earlier that I wasn't, she wouldn't have felt comfortable giving that expression. Or maybe she would. But from my experience, when someone tells you about all the sins they've committed, you don't roll your eyes and nod your head in exasperation when you talk of people giving into temptation.

I know what's going to happen. They're going to take clips from that interview and put it up on that giant screen in Pruis and there's going to be my face talking about how great a relationship with God is and why all college students should pursue it. I should start taking my own advice.

I don't know what to make of this. How can I talk to people, allow them to use my opinions on God when I can't even be held accountable for them? There are going to be people in that audience who know me and are going to realize that I am the biggest hypocrite alive.

Why couldn't I just admit that I haven't given God any time recently? Why couldn't I admit that I don't pray like I use to, go to church like I use to? Why couldn't I have been honest and just say, "Look, I am a Christian. I believe in God the Father and Jesus, His one and only son. I love God and I put my faith and trust in Him. But I am a horrible Christian. I sin and fall into temptation all the time. I do things that a Christian shouldn't do. I wish I could give you an answer on why this is and how to get out of it. But I don't even know myself. I know I'm not your "model" Christian. But I am a Christian. Flaws and all. Take it or leave it. This is the reality of being a Christian and college."

I'll tell you why. Because that's not what they wanted to hear. That's not what's going to bring people in. Though I'm beginning to believe if we were all just a little more humble and a whole lot more honest, Christianity wouldn't be what it is today.

I still love that Gandhi quote. "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." I could be the poster child for that.