The Best of What's Around

I admit that I feel a little pathetic saying that I think that some of the best advice I've ever been given has come from a song. Particularly because there's this stereotype that these songs were written by people who were on drugs, or have shallow superegos who thrive off of fortune and fame. Or of course because most of the songs you hear on the radio aren't even written by the people singing them. Nevertheless, I like to think at the end of the day that musicians are still normal people dealing with all the problems that everyone else faces, and their songs are their simple way of working those problems out.

With that said, Dave Matthews recently gave me some excellent advice when he popped up on my ipod the other day. You see I have been struggling with something that everybody struggles with in life, particularly people my age who are at the end of their college career. Something we're all desperately trying to grab at and hold onto while at the same time are terrified of even going near. I'm talking about that looming little thing called the future.

I've probably said this before, but I guess I see no harm in repeating it again. I am the type of person that either dwells in the past and too often goes down memory lane, or is constantly daydreaming about the future and all the possibilities it holds. My attention for the here and now has always been lacking, but I think out of my fear for the future and my sensitive past that I've grown an appreciation for living in the moment. Still, some things never change, and with this year being the supposed last year of college, the future is all I can think about.

In the past I've dreamed and I've always dreamed big. It was always a mix of emotions, wondering where it was I really wanted to live, who I really wanted to be, what I really wanted to do with my life. Well, I'm only 21 so maybe I don't have that all completely figured out, but I do feel confident saying that I want to be a writer. (I think) I finally have my heart settled on a career. Where I'm going to live, who I'm going to be surrounded by, what kind of writer I will be...well, those are all still mysteries.

The future got even more complicated when someone else got thrown in the mix. Aka, the boy. I can't say that we're going to end up together forever, especially when we haven't even reached a year yet (less than 2 months away, but still). And I don't have my heart set on being with him together forever. We both understand that we're too young for any serious commitment (aka marriage). In fact, I don't even think I would be comfortable with an engagement, even if it were to happen after we graduate and are continuing on with the rest of our lives. I may be pretty impatient, but when it comes to love I take my time.

This doesn't help my problem though, because even though I'm not expecting a ring in any future I could ever imagine, I'm still a girl. I still have hopes for a happily-ever-after. I'm not in this relationship for it to end after college, I'm in this relationship because I think it can turn into something much more serious and permanent. If I didn't believe in marriage, why even date? But that's an issue I'll get into some other time. The point I'm trying to get at is that I'm not about to leave this relationship for no reason. Hence, I plan to include it in my future plans.

There is a problem with this though. You see, once upon a time I fell in love with something else I could see spending the rest of my life with, a relationship I've wanted to pursue long before I met my boyfriend. It's called New York, and I am obsessed. The idea of the big apple and its fast-paced insanity swept me off my feet before I knew it. Sadly the closest I've ever gotten to this dream city was in Newark. But ever since I saw that view, that perfect view of the skyline surrounded in a pink glow as the sun set from my little airplane window, everything I ever imagined was confirmed. It was love at first sight.

Unfortunately my love for NYC has become an annoyance to the bf. He believes that if I'm not in NYC living the big dream, then I'll never be happy. I've disagreed with him up until now. Now I'm questioning myself; if I'm not sure I'll be with him, am I just wasting my time and losing out on my big dreams?

It's crazy to think this but once upon a time I almost gave up my dreams for a guy. Details aren't worth going into because it makes me sick to think I was willing to give up so much for him. Since I nearly missed that mistake, I swore I would never let a guy come between me and my dreams again.

And so it started, the great inner battle I've been facing and avoiding on a daily basis. I feel like I've been pushed into a corner, given an ultimatum by no one other than myself. It's either choose my boyfriend or choose New York. I hate it.

And here is where Dave Matthews steps in, to remind me of all that I had learned this summer. Spending six weeks in England was a dream come true; England has been a dream long before New York. I can still remember the excitement I felt bubbling through me when I got off the phone with my mom, who had confirmed that I could go. But during those six weeks, as happy as I was to be there, I still wasn't completely satisified. I felt lonely, and I missed the boy like crazy. No matter what awesome sites I was getting see, I still missed him, and every skype date was something to look forward to. I was in my dream country...and couldn't wait to return to the states to see him.

After being here in Muncie, seeing him everyday, I've forgotten about all that. My memories of England are not about homesickness and missing people, but all the awesome stuff that happened. Fortunately though, Dave's gentle lyrics helped me remember.

In his song Best of What's Around off of the album Under the Table and Dreaming, he sings "turns out not where but who you're with is all that really matters" and "hurts not much when you're around." What a beautiful little truth. It doesn't matter if I'm in New York or in Muncie, IN. If I'm not with him, I'm going to be unhappy. Cities are just cities. Careers are just careers. You can pour all that you care about into them, but they will never love you back.

So even if I'm not in my dream city, I'll be happy just being with him. Even if I'm not in NYC, I'll still make the best of what's around.