Your Christians

Being a Christian is so hard.

These past few days have been some of the best days I've had in a long while. I was lucky enough to wake up at 8 a.m. on Tuesday (a rare occurrence in the summer for me) and find a text from my boyfriend saying that due to the weather the bike trip was cancelled but he was still going to be in Lawrenceburg for breakfast. Lawrenceburgh, luckily, is only a 45 minute drive from my house.

So I went down to eat with him and a few other bikers and was invited to hang out at the camp they were staying at. I made a trip home to change in camping attire (jeans, a tank, and open-toed wedges aren't exactly the clothes made for roaming the great outdoors) and brought back necessary items for spending the night. Joe told me he missed me (aww), even though the last time I had seen him was only the previous Friday. And to think I cried on Thursday because I thought of how long it would be before I saw him again! With that said we decided to spend the next day in Fairfield, and on Thursday we'd drive back to Muncie where his car was and then on Friday part ways.

We didn't do much, although we did hang out with a fellow BSU friend at a driving range (where I remembered how much I suck at hitting golf balls...that is, when I do hit them...) and most of our time spent together was in a car driving from a to b to c back to b then to d and then from d to b, then later from b to e and then my lonely self back to b.

On my trip from e to b (Muncie to home) I had this sudden guilty feeling over come me for not having recently prayed. When I say not having recently prayed, what I mean is I honestly can not remember the last time I did pray. I'm thinking it was probably the last time I was in church, which was a Catholic service a friend had invited me to two Sundays before the end of the school year. Eek.

When I was in high school, any time something good happened I used to pray to God and thank Him for whatever good thing it was. Sometimes it was for a successful cross-country practice, or for my friends and how awesome they were (and of course still are). Sometimes it was for the anticipation of whatever I was looking forward to. Sometimes it was just for being in a good mood. I realized in high school that these good things that were happening to me were God's blessings and I couldn't help but pray in thanks for them. Most of the times I prayed was when I was driving alone.

Today I am in the best mood I've been in since I can remember. Today I also drove a good 2 hour drive alone.

I had this urge to pray.

And yet I couldn't.

I don't know why it took me an hour before I could turn off the radio and open mouth to start talking to God but it did. The longer I waited, the guiltier I felt. I don't know if it was because I felt guilty for not praying in so long or because it felt so awkward to pray I couldn't. But in the hour before I did finally open up to God, this is what ran through my mind.

I am so not the Christian I am suppose to be. My actions do not reflect upon what I believe in. I live for myself. I'm suppose to live for God. And somewhere along the line I lost that.

Is it silly for me to think that I have been following God's plan? God gave me the gift of writing. I have had a love affair with words since I was young. The summer before my senior year of high school I learned of a journalism school called Ball State University and for some reason, without knowing anything else about this college, I knew I was going to end up going there. Even though I had many doubts about attending Ball State and almost ended up choosing Miami (even seriously considered transferring there after my first semester at BSU) here I am, with one year to go, a senior at Ball State University.

Apparently I wasn't wrong about the writing part either. I checked my grades today and as I had been told, there next to the "Intro to Magazine Writing" was the letter A. Since the first day of walking into that class I had been determined to walk out of there with that grade. Determined that an A in that class would set me off in the direction of being the next Jenny Eliscu at the Rolling Stone magazine. Although I'm not sure if RS is my dream anymore or not, I achieved my goal. This whole time thinking I've been following God's plan.

Maybe I am. But I feel so disconnected from God, I don't know.

Gandhi once said "Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Boy did he have it right. I could give you a very long laundry list of how unlike Christ I am. I feel almost hypocritical in calling myself a Christian. Of course, most people are hypocrites in some way or form. But just because I admit it doesn't make it any better. Just because I know I'm so unlike the God I believe in doesn't make it right. Just means I know how bad of a Christian I am.

A bad Christian. Now there's a broad term.

I've been taught that really it all boils down to you and your relationship with God. If you are pursuing God, no matter how much of a "bad Christian" you might be, then you are in Christ.

I haven't been pursuing God yet I call myself a Christian. But I love God and I believe in Him. There is nothing in the world that could convince me He doesn't exist. Nothing that can separate me from my faith, even though it is particularly weak right now.

Christianity is exhausting. This blog is just a long ramble. I just wish I understood what all of this means, and more importantly, what it means about being a Christian and following God.